


Blips and Bugs

by mrs_shayla_alderson7



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, Romance, She'll never be dead to him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8594686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_shayla_alderson7/pseuds/mrs_shayla_alderson7
Summary: I saw her again today. Shayla. 
I always see her nowadays. Humming songs in her apartment, dancing around the kitchen, sitting on my bed, just staring at my face like she always did. My visions of her get so real sometimes that I almost forget that she’s dead now, just an image of a girl I used to know.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing fanfiction, mainly because it's the first time 2 characters drew me in this much. Sam Esmail broke my heart the first season, and this is basically my way of raising a middle finger to the sky, screaming out, "You can't take them away from me!" But at the end of the day, none of this belongs to me (maybe this little angsty drabble is all I have to my name), so I don't wanna hear about any lawsuits and other shiz. Everyone has a way to deal with pain (so much TV-related pain), and this is mine, writing about stuff that will perhaps never happen canonically. Sigh. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think in the comments down below!

“She flitted in and out of his life like a recurring dream. Even when she was an arm’s length away – it felt like she was somewhere else. He would reach out and touch her and his hand would come away empty.”

_\- Lang Leav, The Universe of Us_

_*************************_

I saw her again today. Shayla.

I always see her nowadays. Humming songs in her apartment, dancing around the kitchen, sitting on my bed, just staring at my face like she always did. My visions of her get so real sometimes that I almost forget that she’s dead now, just an image of a girl I used to know.

I would have taken it all back. I never would’ve busted Vera in the first place if I only knew it was gonna end like this. The moment I found out about what he did to Shayla, I should have just taken her with me and ran. We could have escaped to a different part of the city, far away from what that bastard will ever know. I could have made us both untraceable. She would have been safe. I could have done all that while still working at AllSafe and taking down Evil Corp. After all, Vera wanted nothing to do with me. It was always about her. But now, she’s just a memory. A would have, could have, should have that will forever haunt my dreams.

“Hey.”

I open my eyes to see her next to me on the bed, smiling back at me like a frozen fragment of an old photograph. Her soft brown curls lay brushed to the side, the smooth skin of her neck exposed as if blood didn’t stain it just a month before. She opens her mouth and leans in close like she’s about to whisper a secret. “You didn’t forget about me.”

I just stare at her, the same way she always did with me, like I had the whole world laid out I front of me and I only had a fraction of a second before it got taken away. “To be honest, I don’t know if I ever will.”

She has tears pooling in her eyes, but the small smile on her lips betrays that she’s happy. She slowly tangles her arms around my midsection and brings her head down to rest on my chest. When she speaks, she unknowingly presses butterfly kisses to my skin, and they reverberate through my very being until I’m at a loss on how I’m ever gonna carry on once she fades away again.

“You kept your promise this time. That’s good.” She murmurs.

I bring a hand up and inch it closer to touch her hair, her cheek, her chin; any part of her that will remind me she’s here, that she’s not about to go anywhere. Yet my fingers remain hanging in the air, just a breath away from her face, stilled by the fear that she’s not actually real, but a beautiful, twisted figment of my broken mind.

She turns her head to the side and sees my hand frozen in front of her, just as it was when I found her with her throat slit open in the trunk of Isaac’s car. Without a second to hesitate, she grasps it with her own and intertwines our fingers together. Slowly, she hugs our locked hands close and presses them to her cheek. “You’re always so scared, Elliot,” she says. “Fear takes people to a lot of places. Sometimes, it saves them, you know, keeps them from being stupid. But at some point, you have to stop living in fear of the consequences and just face the world in front of you as it is.”

Shayla was always different. In a lot of ways, she was just like me. As I brought my walls up, she was also building her own. But instead of completely sealing herself inside like I did, she left a window open for anyone who cared enough to know her better. She let me in and I fell in love with what I found. I found her, sewing up artwork into heartfelt pieces. I found her, chasing me around the boardwalk with the brightest smile on her face. I found her, calling me in the middle of the night to talk. I found her, singing along to her favourite song by the stoop of our building. I found _her,_ the real her, behind the tough façade she let world see.

“I still can’t believe I found you.” I say out loud.

The skin around her eyes crinkle a bit as she grins, chuckling slightly as she looks at me. “What do you mean?”

I was about to hesitate again and take it back, but her words echo through my head. _At some point, you have to stop living in fear of the consequences and just face the world in front of you as it is._ “I have a tendency of forgetting things. Like how the beauty of the world is still intact in some ways. But then you come along…”

I trail off as I look at her face. She’s staring right into me, her smile knowing and understanding, urging me to go on. It was supposed to make me feel better, but it only hurt more, remembering that the girl in front of me was not really there. The rest of the words die in my throat, and we’re just left looking at each other, with her waiting for something that will never come.

She takes my hand again and holds it in both of her own. “Why’d you stop?” She asks, still smiling, still happy despite the chaos she didn’t know her memory was bringing.

“I’m sorry.” I blurt out.

She sighs and raises a hand up to cradle my cheek. Her soft blue eyes gaze into mine, searching for whatever it is that will bring her peace. I don’t know if she finally finds it or gets tired of looking, but eventually, she lowers her hand back down, my skin feeling empty without her fingers pressed to it. A few more seconds of heart-breaking silence later, she answers back, “You always are.”

She smiles at me, wavering, hesitant. “But I don’t know how long I can stand looking at you and seeing nothing but regret in your eyes.” I can feel her tracing patterns into my skin, her fingers moving absentmindedly. Her name, mine, jagged words from old memories. “I’m here, Elliot. And I’ll always be here.” Her hand finds my chest, resting just above my heart. “We were so close to something beautiful. Remember that, okay? So when you think of me, you won’t remember the mistakes that held us back. Just think of the better days, when we were happy. I don’t want those moments fading away. Not yet, at least.”

I slowly let go of all fear and let my hands fall to her shoulders, leaning forward slightly to press my forehead to hers. Holding her in my arms, my eyes memorizing every detail of her face, I forget what it’s like to be alone. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, I feel like I finally did something right for once. “Don’t leave. Please.”

Her gaze softens and like a dream in slow motion, she inches closer. She stops just a breath away from my face, and all I could do is marvel at how something so elusive could just stop and seem so real. “Shayla,” I exhale. “Stay.”

She stills, eyes locked on mine. And that’s how we remain; frozen, together, breathing. But it ends just soon as it begins, her gaze flicking to the clock beside me. “It’s close to midnight, Elliot.” Her hands find my hair and she runs her fingers through it, all soft, delicate, and soothing. “Sleep, please. Rest for me. I don’t want to leave you all tired.”

There it is again. That word. _Leave._ All the good things never stay. She’s the biggest proof of that. She comes and goes, like a dream. Sometimes, maybe a nightmare. It’s frightening how even her imaginary smile can leave me undone. But I _am_ fear. I am flight. I am broken memories and sunken ships. This is how I must live. With the ghosts of a girl I once loved. And one day, it will all become a part of me to the point that even the saltwater tears brought by her name on my lips will feel like home.

She begins to pull away, and my heart beats faster than before, ears ringing in panic.

Oh no. This is it.

She’s fading away again.

I hug her closer to me, tight and desperate and pleading. But the warm skin under my fingertips starts to feel more and more like air. Tears sting my eyes. This can’t happen. Not yet.

“Last time. Remember? You promised that you’d stay.” I beg, reminding her of our last conversation a few weeks ago. The last time she left.

She reaches for my face and pulls me to her. Mere centimeters away, her fingers cupping my cheeks, she speaks. “There are only so many promises you can keep. You of all people should know that.” Despite the ghost of her breath warming my lips, I feel a certain coldness that sends chills up my spine. I know that she’s talking about all the promises I broke with her. Promises to stay in my own place, to protect her, to not let her down. It gets in my head, and tears me apart. But I deserve all of it. I’m sure I do.

The regret comes back. She hates it as much as I do, but there are some things that we just can’t help. That’s when I remember that it’s in moments like this, these split-seconds wherein she fades from a vision to a dream, that I miss her more than anything, that I remember that she’s really gone. And it spurs a certain kind of longing that pushes me over the edge and leaves me a breathless haze in the middle of mourning and moving on. And so, before she disappears again, I close the gap between us and press my lips to hers.

She stops fading for a moment, and suddenly, the world comes to a standstill. In the center of the universe, there are no blips or bugs. There is just me and her, and it sets fire to my bones. She kisses me back with an urgency, heart beating against mine, passing on words without speaking.

_“I have to go,” her lips say. “Remember this. Remember me.”_

Tasting the cherries and nicotine on her breath, I’m taken back to a time when I still had her, the real her, in my arms. Back when I had heart-racing, earth-shattering moments like this with her and took all of it for granted. And I can’t help but answer back, _“I promise.”_

And that’s the last promise that I’m able to make before we both pull away, our chests heavy and hearts racing. She leans forward and lays a chaste kiss on my cheek. “I’m always gonna miss you, Elliot.”

All I can do is nod slowly as her image gradually dwindles. I hold out my hands to touch her one last time, but they come away empty, grasping at air. Her smile is the last thing I see before she fades away completely, leaving me a broken mess on the rumpled white sheets. My lip is trembling, and all my breaths seem heavier than a few minutes ago. I pull my hood up and cave in on myself, remembering every single detail about this encounter. She may fade away from this world, but she’ll never fade from my memory. She’s there now, where she’ll always be.

I glance at the clock. It’s a quarter past twelve.

I turn out the lights and bury my face in the pillowcase, hoping to catch one last whiff of her scent. But it never comes. And that’s when I cry again, for about the thousandth time, all because of _her._ Tomorrow’s coming up in a few heartbeats, but it will never be the same. But who knows?  Maybe I’ll see her again. And for a few minutes, things will feel right.

_Maybe._


End file.
